Grief. It is a cruel and tricky beast, isn’t it? It does not give you any warning as to how it is going to affect you. You know there has or is going to be a loss. You think you can prepare for it even though you do not know what to expect and it still twists and turns you around in ways you did not know you could be emotionally manipulated.
Grief manipulates you by making you think that someone is going to be there, when they are not. Making you think that you are going to hear them in a situation, and you do not, they are not there, and there is that hurt, again. There is a term for this, and it is called Brain Mapping. Brain Mapping is based on prediction. After a period, the brain maps what it expects to see or hear due to the repetition. Due to what the brain has learned over time and knows what to expect, it will fill in information that is not actually there. So much so that it assumes a person is going to be there, whether they are or not. When we lose someone or something, we see familiar places or objects that the brain associates with that person or thing and assumes they will be there, but they are not. Imagine that every night a man comes home from work and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking dinner. It’s light, smells good and the evening news is on the television. After the loss he comes home and immediately goes to the kitchen to see her, but the kitchen is empty, quiet and dark. The brain then must readjust to fill in the new information to learn to make new predictions. This takes time as the brain does not base its prediction plan on a single event. Just as it took time and experience for the brain to map the automatic expectation of the presence, it takes time and experience for it to rewire itself to recognize that the person or thing is not there anymore. Then we can continue with our acknowledgment of the loss and move on with our journey of grief.
To help better understand one’s grief journey, one must first recognize various myths and misconceptions about grief.
- The believe that grief should last for a few months or a year at most. It is important to remember that grief is individual, there is no right or wrong time frame for the healthy process of grief. It will take as long as it takes and pressuring yourself will hinder your progress. Let it come naturally.
- Another misconception is that grief proceeds through clearly defined stages. There are several stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance that most individuals will go through at some point, but there is no clear structured path that must be followed. Again, remember that grief is individual and each person will address their emotions as they come to them.
- A misconception that causes confusion with individuals is when they are told that choosing to pursue counseling for grief instead of working through it alone or with just family and friends is a weakness. Having family and friends to help with grief is invaluable, but counseling can help provide shape and direction for a grief journey, as well as introducing new resources and strategies that family and friends may not have.
- A common myth that encourages denying or avoiding your natural emotions and slows your grief process is that you must avoid emotional vulnerability and stay strong for your family. Your grief is your own, your responsibility is to help yourself acknowledge your emotions and experiences of grief, while assuring them that you are moving through the realities of your grief and are on the right track with your acknowledgement. That is how you can help your family.
- Another misconception is that grief should be easier if the loss is expected. This is called Anticipatory Grief. People are caught by surprise when they think that they are prepared for a loss and when it happens, they feel devastated with grief. The grief is the loss and the connection that we felt for that individual and that does not lessen simply because we know that it is coming.
- The last misconception is that life will eventually look and feel “normal” again. Unfortunately, loss is permanent. The part of you that has been removed by the loss of your loved one will not be replaced. However, change is inevitable, and with time and experiences you have the capacity to come to terms with a “new normal.”
When discussing options for helping the brain readjust to the changes of your life due to the loss there are various coping strategies that can be implemented. First and foremost an individual must allow themselves to feel again. Grief is not about forcing anything, it is about accepting and allowing the natural process to occur. Gently encouraging new experiences and habits into life can help with changing the Brain mapping and the journey through the grief.
Creative and Personal Expressions of Grief may include:
- Draw or paint about your feelings about the loss of your loved one.
- Use clay or another medium to sculpt your general state while grieving.
- Make a collage to encourage different feelings and past experiences.
- Write a poem, song or video as a tribute to your loved one and express your feelings of grief.
- Look at photos or other tangible reminders of your loved one or simply speaking their name out loud a few times, saying “I miss you,” or writing them a letter, can begin to help unlock some of the emotions that have been contributing to the sadness.
- Watch a favorite movie or listen to a favorite song that you used to enjoy together.
- Start a grief journal to record your thoughts, memories of the loss, and memories of the past that were happy. For many the idea of a grief journal is daunting. They do not know what to write, so they do not. Here are some questions that an individual can ask themselves to write about:
- What are your strongest feelings right now toward the person or situation that you have lost?
- How do you define grief recovery, and what are the most important signs to you that you are on the right track?
- Who has surprised you the most with their support on your grief journey, and what may be a good way to show gratitude?
- What are you most afraid of today?
- What do you still feel guilty about, and how might that guilt be getting in the way of your recovery?
- What role, if any, does faith or spirituality play in your recovery?
- What do you need to say to your beloved or to anyone involved in your loss?
- What new strengths or abilities have you discovered in yourself during your grief recovery so far?
- What priorities have changed in your life since suffering your loss?
- What is the biggest obstacle in your grief recovery right now and how can you overcome it?
Other coping strategies that can help you and your brain adjust to the change include:
- Positive sleep habits, instead of waking up at 6 a.m. plan on waking at 6 a.m. but get up at 7:30 a.m. after beginning your day with a meditation or deep breathing exercises.
- If you are not a nap taker, think about simply picking a time of the day to designate a time to rest and close your eyes. Remember grief can take a toll on your physical health, you may need that rest.
- You may have had a routine of taking a shower in the morning, consider taking a bath at night before bed for a chance to relax and unwind before sleep. Again, consider that we are allowing the brain to have a repetition of new experiences to remap the expectations not there due to the loss.
- With grief for many comes the issue of loss of appetite or not eating as healthy due to possibly only cooking for one now instead of two. We want to look at options for encouraging healthy eating such as small healthy meals or snacks, accepting invitations from family and friends to go out to lunch or dinner, avoiding unhealthy foods, drinking plenty of water and other healthy beverages, spending time preparing a favorite dish or meal and then offer it to someone who cares about you.
- Exercise is an area of importance for the physical and emotional part of grieving. Consider taking short walks, dancing, bike riding, yoga, go out into nature and immerse yourself in ways to explore your physical and emotional feelings, visit a gym or fitness center or do some gardening.
Notice that most of these coping strategies are steps you can take alone. You may find that some progress is being made, but it is important to remember that it is not advisable to try the grief journey alone. This is where grief counseling is beneficial.
Some signs that it might be time to see a grief counselor:
- You have frequent bouts of hopelessness; a therapist can help you explore such feelings in a safe manner.
- You spend considerable time searching for your departed loved one, that is behavior that should be shared with a therapist.
- You lose excessive amount of weight and become weak, or you begin a pattern of overeating to the point that it makes you physically sick, you will want to be checked out by your doctor, but a therapist can work with you to help manage your feelings and adopt healthier self-care strategies.
- Your feelings of guilt become overwhelming; a therapist can help you become unstuck in your guilt feelings and help you to find a better balance in your feelings and perspectives.
- You wish you had died instead of your loved one and count the days until your death will come. Feeling lost or left behind when a loved one dies is natural and there can be thoughts of why you did not die instead. If feelings shift towards an active death wish, professional help is needed.
At the end, after all of this, we ask ourselves, “Is grief ever going to end?” If you have been traveling through your journey of grief for a while, you know the answer is “no.” However, by following your grief journey with careful attention and a gentle spirit, you can remap your brain’s expectations to hopefully find a peaceful place in your heart and accept your loss. With that peace in your heart, when the grief does stir again, you will have the means to hold it lovingly while it slowly subsides.